Reading: from The Little Prince by Antoine de St.-Exupery

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.
But after some thought he added:
"What does this mean - 'tame'?"
"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"
"I am looking for men, "said the little prince. "What does that mean- 'tame'?"
"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean - 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But, if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world." . . .
"My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. . . ."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please - tame me!" he said.
"I want to very much, the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me. . . "
"What must I do to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstanding. But you will sit a little closer to me every day. . ."

Covenant Group Ministry

I want to ask you to think back for a moment; for some of you it may be quite a ways and for others, not long at all. Think back to when you first came to this community and what was going on in your life. What were the forces that brought you here that first day? For those of you who were raised in this congregation, when it came time for you to choose this as your place, what was going on for you? What were the forces that brought you here? Think back for a moment about why you came.

We know that a number of people come to a religious community after a time of crisis or the anniversary of sadness or crisis trying to find a sense of larger meaning, a perspective with which to look at the events of their lives. Others come out of fear for the world and a desire to find other people to act with in order to act in the world. A great many people come to a religious community purely out of simple loneliness, which we all face and all seek to overcome. We come here to meet other people. There is a sense of isolation in our world, a rootlessness that has something to do with modern society. People come to religious communities now not out of a sense of obligation or coercion, but because they are isolated, lonely and disconnected and wish to find others with whom to connect.

The Unitarian theologian, the most prominent theologian of the 20th century, was James Luther Adams. (Our own Adams Hall was named for him.) He said that there are two important roles and responsibilities of the religious life: to form Intimacy and Ultimacy. I am introducing a new program to you this morning: Covenant Group Ministry. I want you to know that the underlying, foundational reasons for putting this kind of program into place is our belief in the importance of both intimacy and ultimacy, and how to arrive at that within the realities of a community setting.

Intimacy is not just meeting like-minded people. That's a beginning, but intimacy is about forming true friendships, deep friendships. It is about having people that you can count on because they really know you, because they have taken time to get to know you, and because, to them, you have become unique in all the world. And to you, they have become unique in all the world. Just like the little Prince. The Little Prince came to this world, if you remember the story, quite drained and overwhelmed. His total existence had been on a very small planet. The only thing that existed on that planet was the Prince and a completely demanding rose. Remember that rose? He was drained by the demands, overwhelmed by the needs of this rose. And so he left that planet, trying to get away from those demands and to find sustenance for himself. He came here seeking friendship. But the fox tells him that people don't make friends anymore, they don't have the time. They don't take the time. If you want a friend, the fox says, you must tame me. And that means you must sit a little closer to me every day.

I sometimes think that life would be much easier if we got this kind of explicit instructions from other people. If we said, "I want to be your friend," and they said, " OK, here's how you do it: you need to do this, and this, and this." Wouldn't that make life easier? It doesn't happen too often. We have to figure out how to be friends with one another and we have to do it as if we're not trying, as if we don't care. We half turn away from each other, as if it's OK if we're friends or not. But we're really seeking connections. How do we find ways to make those friendships?

I read recently that there was a UU survey some years ago trying to find out whether UUs invited their friends to church and made friends at church. The survey asked people of their three closest friends, how many of those people were in their congregations? The startling results of this survey seemed to be that a number of people had trouble identifying three friends, much less friends in their congregation. And so I would like to ask you to think a little bit about your friends. Exclude family, now--I'm not talking about people who have some sort of obligation to you. Think about friends, people who you have forged a relationship with but who choose to come and respond to you. I want to narrow that a little further even. Also exclude those people whom you grew up with and are your very best friend, but who live on the east coast. I want you to think about people who could come, be on your doorstep within an hour, if you needed them. Can you think of those friends in your life? And then, think about how many of them are here at Eliot Chapel. In general, if you can come up with even 2 or 3 people who are here, who are that kind of friend to you, you are blessed and very well connected with this congregation. It doesn't take a lot; it takes a few to give you that kind of meaning in your life.

We come to a congregation seeking intimacy. And very often when we come, we don't walk in saying, "I'm really looking for friendship, people who will give meaning to my life." That's not the language most of us use when we come in. Most of us come in and say, "I kind of like this community, how do I get involved?" The standard answer to "how do you get involved" is "these are our committees." In fact I've seen a cartoon about this recently: there is a young couple who are joining a church and standing with an elder of the church, a man with a flowing white beard. They are standing in front of a bulletin board that says, "Our committees need you!" The board is covered with sign-up sheets. The elder of the congregation is saying to them, "Most people are on 9 or 10 committees, but since you're new, we would understand if you choose only 5 or 6 to start." And then there are the committee titles: the typical "finance" committee, and the "Sunday school" committee. But you could sign up for the "thermostat control" committee, the "plant watering" committee, and (my favorite) the "pigeon control" committee.

People come to our churches in search of wholeness. How often do we ask them to serve on a pigeon control committee instead? This is not to say that I don't believe in committees. I know many lasting friendships have started with committee work. (All you committee chairs out there, now don't get nervous-I'm not against committees!) I do think there is another way to do intimacy in our congregation.

A colleague of mine, the Rev. Paul Mueller, talks about when he became convinced of the need for Covenant Groups in his congregation. He was sitting in a committee meeting. That meeting was the membership committee, and they were doing an annual task, going through the roles to remove the names of the people who were no longer there - the people who had drifted away. They would be sent a letter saying, "We don't see you around, if we don't hear back from you, we are going to assume that you are not interested any more." You know, the standard letter. So they were picking out these names, and Paul suddenly realized that as he was going through the rolls, he was also identifying the people who were still around, still hanging in there, but would be gone Next year. He knew they would be gone. Then he went back through the membership book and looked for the people who would be gone in 2 years. He could pick them out as well. He knew that they were not making the connections. And he didn't know how to help them. As time went on, his predictions were actually pretty accurate. That's when he became convinced that something different needed to happen - new ways to connect people into our congregation.

Now I know there are wonderful opportunities to get connected here. And some people have the personality to just walk in the door and see openings everywhere they go. You may have the kind of personality where you can walk into coffee hour and see a bunch of people to talk to. Or you may have the kind of personality where you walk in and see a lot of circles with backs to you. Some people can just walk in and find openings, and they have. There are wonderful things to do here: the writers group, the hiking group, the Friday forum, many discussion groups, many small groups who are sustaining and nurturing people. And at the same time there are some of you who have not found those openings. Many of you have found the support you need, but others really can't.

We know from studies and often our own experience, that the kind of intimacy I am talking about generally forms in small groups--usually groups of ten or less. It's true that wonderful discussions can happen in a group of 30 people coming together to talk about ideas. People enjoy these groups and get to know each other. But for a lot of us, maybe even most of us, the kind of Intimacy we seek,--where other people know us as a unique being and we get to know other people as unique beings--happens in smaller groups. It's too easy to duck the responsibility of taking the risk to show who you are in a larger group. In small groups, you will be encouraged to take the risk. The rewards of true Intimacy can help us grow and thrive.

Church, I believe, is a place where we ought to be able to find this intimacy, find this friendship, love and support. Too many people truly can't find the openings. The Covenant Group Program is about making as many of these openings as possible. The groups are about inviting people in to a place where they can develop intimacy with one another. I have heard from people in this congregation who've said, "I've been around a while and I can't find openings." I've also heard from a couple of other people a slightly different story. These people did feel involved; they had done lots of things and they knew lots of people. They felt satisfied with their community--strongly involved here. And then something happened in their lives. Not a major crisis, you might say a mini-crisis - something that took them away from the community. They had to be in their own family environment for a while and did not come to church. And no one noticed. No one knew they were gone. They were so busy with their own stuff that it didn't even occur to them to make a phone call to let anyone know what was happening. But later they felt a little deflated that no one had even missed them. Of course, we all assume that people get busy, families go off on trips. No one wants to be nosy, and no one wants to ask too many questions of one another. And yet people are disappointed when it seems they are not missed.

We come together seeking Intimacy. This is what I believe Covenant Groups are going to be able to do for us, at least for those of us who are willing to give the groups a try. If in any group of over 50, something takes you away, you're liable not to be missed. That happens, it's not just us, it's in any large group. If you are in a group of 10, someone's going to know when you're not there. It makes a difference if 9 people want to know what's going on. Do you need help? Why have you missed? If they look so forward to seeing you that they will take the time to find out why you're not there, it makes a difference. To be part of a Covenant Group we ask you to agree to a covenant to care for one another-- to notice when things are going on in each others' lives, and to respond with care. That's why we ask you to come regularly, we ask you to put some time into this. I know it's time you don't think you have. If you do put the time into it, you may find sustenance for the rest of your overwhelming life. The groups have that potential.

There is an important caveat that I want to mention, and that the facilitators of these groups will mention as they go along. These groups are not therapy groups. They are not a place to come to work on our problems. We have resources for therapy and we'll work hard to get you the right referral, if it's necessary. These groups are places to get to know one another and to be supportive of one another. When life gets to the point where you need more support, an outside voice, pastoral care will still be available. The groups are not to take the place of that, but rather to be the friendship and sharing groups that could enrich many of our lives, places to develop intimacy and trust and care for one another.

The activity of building trust and really getting to know one another leads to Ultimacy, the second part of James Luther Adams' understanding of the religious life: Intimacy and Ultimacy. We seek Ultimacy - we seek a larger meaning. What is it that the world is about, and what is our part in it? How are those connected? We seek that larger meaning, what is ultimately important, what is ultimate truth. We seek Ultimacy, what some people might call God. People want to know that their lives have meaning. I believe that true friendships do supply a sense of meaning even in the ups and downs of our lives. But Ultimacy goes further than that. It's a place where we can speak in safety about those questions we have on our religious journey. It's a place where we can speak in safety about ideas you might happen to have. You may have a religious perspective that you have no idea if anyone else shares. Perhaps you haven't even had the courage or opportunity to ask. You might come to a Sunday service and while someone is up here going on about whatever they're going on about, you might have a religious insight. Has that ever happened? It could. Right? It's possible. What do you do with that religious insight? Well, you can go to coffee hour. And that's not bad. I'm sure that there are wonderful deep discussions that happen in coffee hour. But to have a group set aside where you've built trust and safety, where you come back time after time and you can talk about that religious journey, is a different thing. These conversations can go so much deeper than coffee hour. They're a place for Ultimacy.

Please know that these groups are not to discuss intellectual ideas. ( I'm going to tell you a lot about what they're not - they're not therapy, they're not to discuss intellectual ideas.) Now I think that discussing intellectual ideas is a lot of fun, I really do. It's a good time, and I hope that we have more and more opportunities to do that at Eliot Chapel. We do that already, in groups such as the Friday Forum group, and other Adult E&E opportunities. That's not what these groups are for. They're just for something different. These groups are to explore a topic from your own experience, from your hopes and your dreams, and to listen to someone else as they explore that topic also from their life - their hopes and their dreams. Hearing others, I believe, deeply enriches our journey.

You know, most preachers have one or two things that they seem to harp on all the time. They have 2 or 3 sermons that you hear over and over again. And this is mine; it is my continuing belief that when we come together to really get to know one another, as we establish those ties, our access to the Ultimate, our access to God, to that Life Energy, to that force of Love, happens through those relationships. Our sense of Ultimate deepens and broadens through our relationships. You may go find beauty in the world when you are off wandering on your own or a truth that is profound to you when you are reading a book. When you can share it with others it deepens and broadens that truth for all of us. …That's my sermon in a nutshell… but I'm going to go on. I believe that church is about Intimacy and Ultimacy.

One quick point that I want to make about these Covenant Groups is what they can do for us in terms of diversity. We say that we value diversity, but living that out can be a little more challenging. Living it out can be difficult. I believe that we need a discipline for living out diversity and these Covenant Groups can be that discipline. In churches, we tend to divide up into like-minded groups, where we basically agree with our group, but there's another group over there that has other opinions, and then we don't talk. Covenant groups mix that up a bit. One of the facilitators has said that if she looks at all the people who have signed up for her group and it's all her old friends, she's going to tell them to go sign up for another group. That's not what these groups are for. We want to get a mixture of old people, new people, atheists, agnostics, and theists coming together to have conversations.

Quickly I wanted to say something about the nuts and bolts of this program. You've seen the insert in your order of service. That gives you a bit of the practical details.

• These groups will meet with a facilitator who has undergone training. All the facilitators meet with me monthly in our own Covenant Group in order to support the working of the groups.
• There will be a maximum of 10 people per group. When we have demand for new groups, we're going to start them. As soon as there are enough people, say about 6, to start a group, we hope to have a new facilitator trained and ready to go so that these groups can grow in an organic way in response to the demand.
• We are open to you trying it out once or twice to see if this is something for you. We will ask you to commit to the Covenant in the third session. The covenant is something that you'll come up with together; it's not something imposed on you. You will decide together what the Covenant will be. And you have a couple of times to try it first.
• The meetings are monthly groups, but at the beginning, we're going to accelerate it a little bit to try and lay the foundation for the trust building that has to happen. We think that meeting every two weeks for a few times will help to facilitate that trust building. In general, they will be monthly groups.
• There will be a topic of conversation at each group. But again, the topic is to bring your own life experience to it. The topic will generally come from religious ideas from our own UU heritage. Over time, I believe the topics will be generated by the groups them selves in conjunction with the facilitators.
• We will ask you make a covenant, and again, I see covenant as a relational promise, in this case not just between two people, but rather a promise that the whole group enters into.

I know for some of you the language of "Covenant Groups" has been a little off-putting. For some it is traditional language that does not mean anything any more or is in fact something that makes them want to step back and not participate. The facilitators and I had quite a fascinating conversation, a deep conversation, about the language that we use and what the alternatives could be. We simply wanted something that would work at Eliot. So we discussed some alternatives, but we also discussed what the word "covenant" means to us, what it has meant in the past, what it could mean in the future. After that conversation, we decided that we could not come up with a better word because this word expresses the central fact of the group, that is, the promise that we make to one another, to be there, to care for one another. And we felt that it was the only word that we could come up with that expressed that promise so clearly. So we kept the language, knowing that it might be difficult, and a little challenging, for some of you.

One other thing about the Covenant Groups that I want to point out is that we are going to ask you as a group to engage in a service project some time over the course of a year. In other Covenant Groups that have happened across the denomination, they have pointed out the importance of the service project. What happens in a group that builds trust and gets to know one another, building trust and love, is that the group that looks inward a lot. It's important to remind the groups every one in a while of their larger context and to take that love and trust and turn it outward in some service - either to the congregation or to the larger community. We'll have suggestions for some of those service projects. But it helps to turn that caring outward every once in a while. It also helps the task oriented people who are living through this process stuff time after time, they're being good sports about it! And finally they can DO something. It's very good for the diversity of people in our groups.

The Covenant Group program is a program that we are trying out. Some groups may not form. Occasionally groups come together, they get to know one another and the Intimacy and Ultimacy happens. More often than not, it does. But occasionally it doesn't. Occasionally there is a group that doesn't form. We're not going to force success on you. We're flexible. If a group just seems to be kind of going along and doesn't seem to be forming the bonds, we'll disband and ask people to join different groups. We'll be as flexible as possible.

I know many of you have been waiting for these groups. People have come up to me and said, " I didn't know what I was waiting for. But, I was waiting for something at Eliot, and I think this is it. When are the sign-ups happening?" I've been hearing that for several weeks now. "When are the sign-ups going to be out?" Well they're out right now in Adams Hall.

There are others of you who do not know if the groups are for you. You want to sit back, wait a while and see what happens, see what your friends who are participating say. That's fine. There are some who don't think that they are going to be for you at all. You are secure in your sense of Intimacy and Ultimacy in this congregation, and that's fine too. And you are blessed.

We are often overwhelmed by the demands of the world around us -like the Little Prince and his experience with the rose. Sometimes we come to this congregation as if coming to a new world, seeking something, seeking friendship, seeking sustenance, for what it is that we need to accomplish out there. And too often, even here, we don't take the time with one another that it requires. If we did, perhaps we could return to the demands of our world with renewed spirit, with a sense of being filled up and ready to give back. Let us make a commitment to that renewal for one another. Let us consent, if we will, to tame one another. So may it be and Amen.